Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
