Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
