The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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