3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
