So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
