It's like a parade of train wrecks.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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