whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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