Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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