My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
no. you can't hotbox the world.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
