fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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