the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
