i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
