so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
