the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
