false alarm. still invincible.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
