I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
