I have demons in me.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
