I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
