I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
