I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
