You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
