my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
