would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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