We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
