I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
