I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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