I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
