I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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