in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
