you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
