it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
