no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
