I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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