I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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