btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
