i already hear my dad disowning me
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
