Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
