You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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