Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
