Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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