my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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