Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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