Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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