he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
