the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
