all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
