I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
