did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
