feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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