Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
