i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
