I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
