we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
